From My Funny Book

As you know, kids do say - and do - the darndest things. I have kept a book of some of these funnies, when I remember to write them down. I assure you that they might not be as funny here as they were in the classroom when they happened.

*We'll call him "Austin". Very sweet, but serious boy. We had read The Sign of the Beaver, in which the main character's cabin is raided by bears and the sugar, flour, and molasses were ruined. Austin instead wrote: "sugar, flour, and margaritas" in perfect cursive.

*We'll call her "Nicole". Super sweet, usually quite with-it girl. Someone tried to get me off track (happens a lot) and I said, "Oh..HERE we go!!" She raises her hand and says, "Where are we going?"

*At open house, parents sign-up for conferences for the next month. As I read out loud who was signed up for what time for the students to write an additional reminder in their assignment books, I got to 'Harriet Booker'. GARRETT was humiliated, due to his mom's very fancy writing.

*The Shamrock. This one is X-rated, really. I still crack up thinking about it, and St. Patrick's Day is just around the corner! I have a template for a very friendly shamrock we decorate to our own likes and personalities (i.e. the skateboarder shamrock, the cheerleader shamrock, the punk-rocker or Hannah Montana shamrock), then we attach limericks to them. 5 years doing this, and I never realized until one day as I looked up and realized that the 'stem' of the shamrock was centered, long, curved, and for 3-dimensional effect had a circular 'nob' on the end. The next year, the shamrocks were neutered.

*We'll call him "Ryan", and he had a pronounced speech impediment. He had written a story that was very touching, about two brothers who had all these adventures (Jake & Bob). At the end, they grew up and went to college and got married. The previous sentence went something like this, "Jake and Bob's parents had always wanted lots of grandkids." The next sentence was SUPPOSED to sound like, "Jake and Bob got married and had six." Innocent enough. But when Ryan said it, what we heard was, as the grand finale to his little story, "Jake and Bob got married and had sex. The end." All the air went out of the room. I couldn't breathe and clapped as soon as I could to distract myself, hoping 10 year olds were too young to catch on - they weren't.

*I like to have the students take their spelling words and make a story or play out of them. It's fun to see how different the stories can be using the same 24 words, and it lets me know if they understand the meaning of the words. This particular week, "wrapped" was one of our words. A very innocent paper about a gift-wrapping factory evolved from one of my more spelling-challenged students. It went something like this:
"Can you rape my gift?" the customer asked the worker. "Yes, we rape gifts all the time." So she raped the dollhouse, then she raped the rocking horse, and the weirdest thing she had to rape was a fruitcake!"

It went on like this for about a page. I was crying.

*Each week in spelling, the students do a 'cloze' activity where there is a story made up of spelling words, but the words are omitted. The students fill in the blank from the list of words. Anyway, sometimes, students can see that more than one word would work in a situation. Like this one. We'll call her "Michelle". Here is the excerpt from the story, the way is was supposed to read: "The next thing he knew, he was in the hospital wearing a cast from his calf to his hip." Unfortunately, Michelle will now be known for using another word instead of 'calf', because 'crack' was also on the spelling list that week. ...from his crack to his hip. I thought I could keep rolling and maintain composure, but not that time.

*We do class compliments. They are so sweet. And the kids really look forward to them. It was "Kirsi's" turn to receive compliments and a little girl named "Cheyenne" had a little trouble with it. They had never been too close, you might say. She wrote and then read aloud to the class, "Kirsi has always been a good pusher when she is trying to get off the bus." What do you say to that?

*I am seriously laughing out loud as soon as I read this just now from my funny book. I always tell the students to come up with a 'catchy title' for their Science Fair project to attract the judges. Last year's Science Fair might have attracted the wrong kind of judge. I had a student (whose dad actually did the whole project - very wrong - for him, oh well) title his project / experiment on how fast a car would go down a ramp, "A Strong, Natural Motion." Each time I think of that, I picture Barry White and some kind scene where there is red satin & dark chocolate all swirled around...

*Another science fair funny from last year. "Cody" & "Nathan" (not my brightest two, but very sweet boys) used a very different font, kind of hard to read, for their big signs on their Science Fair Board Presentation. Unfortunately, the "H" on the end of "GRAPH" had not been glued well enough and didn't stay put. When they put it up in the gym, you saw the category "GRAP", which with that font, looked like "CRAP". They didn't score too well, so it was kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy.

*We did a clothes drive last year for kids on a Central American country. I had this boy last year - loved him - (we'll call him "Nathaniel") he never knew thought how some things sounded until they were already out there. When the kids were asking what kinds of things they needed, the student council representative answered with items like: shirts, shorts, good shoes for hot climates, etc. Nathaniel raised his hand, so serious, and asked, "What about bathing suits? GIRLS bathing suits?"

*This might sound unconventional, but I arm-wrestled "Jared" in an effort to prove fact vs. opinion (it's a fact Mrs. Clark is stronger than Jared - it's an opinion that Mrs. Clark is a sore loser when she loses.) Jared did beat me - totally unexpected, that never happens - but then, lost his balance when I released his arm, and fell against the rolling computer cart, which had the angel "Nathaniel" from above had given me, the angel fell, and lost it's head, for the second time that year, and rolled across the classroom in silence. I don't remember who, but I heard, "It's my opinion that Jared is gonna be in TROUBLE!"

Gotta go. Hubby wants me home 'at 5 sharp' tonight. Hmmm...Valentine's surprise? I hope so!